Hey, creepy guy sitting across from me at the British
Library. Yeah, I’m talking to you,
wannabe hipster in your tortoiseshell glasses and chest hair sprouting above
the limp, unwashed collar of your t-shirt. First, stop staring. Second, stop
competitive typing. I am not impressed by the speed or loudness of your typing.
The fact that your typing is LOUD and FAST does not make me believe either: (a) that you are composing a work only comparable to Paradise Lost in its brilliance, or (b) that you would be capable of
defending me and any children we might have in the future against bear attacks with the tremendous force
of your typing. Do you see the hundred or so people in this room, all typing
away? And can you imagine the hundreds of other people on the various floors of
this huge public library, all typing away? And you can imagine all of the
hundreds of thousands of people all over the world in public libraries, all also
typing?
Good. Now, I want you to think about two things. First, what if all of those people were typing as obnoxiously as you are? Second, what is the likelihood that you are doing anything more important, of greater value to our common humanity, than any of these people, thereby entitling you to commit such auditory offense? Who do you think you are?
If we can’t be civil in libraries, we can’t be civil
anywhere. Behave.
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